


Lacking

by a_ghostlight_for_roman



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25724101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_ghostlight_for_roman/pseuds/a_ghostlight_for_roman
Summary: Logan is not a person. Logan is imaginary. Logan is not meant to feel. So he doesn't.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	Lacking

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Projecting onto my comfort character? More likely than you think.

Logan wasn’t a person. At least, he didn’t feel like one. He was numb, cold, unfeeling. When he saw someone cry, or lash out in anger, he didn’t feel a pang of empathy, didn’t feel the urge to comfort or protect, like a person did. He stayed awake for days at a time, because when he did try to sleep, he jolted awake within minutes, adrenaline flaring, urging that there was danger, and that someone was out to get him, and that he was going to be taken away. This was not the behavior of a person, who would sleep every night for at least eight hours, or at least close to it. He didn’t talk like a normal person, always using the wrong volume or tone, or not being able to talk at all. A person would at least want to speak. He did not love, and no matter how hard he tried, he did not miss his FamILY when they were away, did not crave their touches, and did not want to hear their voices, and when he did have to see or hear them, it was nearly unbearable. A person would love.  
Although Logan felt things do a degree, he knew he wasn’t worthy. Why would someone like him-- no, something-- like him, not even a person, deserve things like happiness, pride or passion? If he absolutely had to feel, he could at least limit it to what he deserved. So no matter how hot his palms pulsed, how tight the coil in his stomach felt or how badly his head throbbed, he repressed. He repressed until he could no longer remember what it was like to truly feel. Emotions were best left to those responsible for them, anyways. Patton, Roman and Virgil, and maybe even Janus and Remus one day, were far more worthy than him. They felt, always had, always more than Logan, always better than Logan. While they loved, despaired, envied and felt every other emotion under the Sun, Logan could maybe muster a vague sense of longing on a good day. They were people, and so they were more important. Even when Logan went for days without sleep to provide them with the cognitive functions they needed to exist, even when he ensured their needs were provided for and even when he lied to them, made them think they were important, valuable, and inherently loveable, despite not even being real, he could never be worth the same as they were. They were more than he could ever hope to be, because he was not a person. Logan was cold, hard logic, all hard edges, deadlines, duties and disappointment. When Patton gave him a stern, disappointed glare, Logan did not feel ashamed. When Virgil tensed up and his breathing quickened because of something Logan said or did, Logan did not feel concerned. When Roman called him names and told him he wasn’t important, Logan did not feel angry. When Janus stole him away and impersonated him so well that no one noticed, Logan did not feel betrayed. When Remus threatened and assaulted him, Logan did not feel scared . Logan did not feel.  
Despite the way his breath sometimes hitched, despite the way his hands sometimes shook so violently he couldn’t hold a pen, despite the way his head swam until he couldn’t focus on anything, despite the way he sometimes felt so disconnected from his body that the slightest movement was laborious and despite everything else that would suggest the contrary, Logan did not care. That would be ridiculous.


End file.
